Honouring What Was

There have been some really beautiful full circle moments in my life and some very hard abrupt endings that have made little to no sense to me. 

One full circle moment that comes to mind was three years ago when my ex, Tanen Zaph , and I reconnected and talked about everything that took place between us at when we were about 19. 

It was a short but intense relationship that I learnt so much from. The breakup was messy, the few times we saw each other after the breakup was intense and complicated and then complete silence for 16 years. 

There were moments during that 16 years my mind would wander and I would wonder how he was and if he was okay. It’s not that I wanted to rekindle what once was but I deeply cared for him and wanted to know he was okay and happy. 

I wanted him to find love and peace, especially after the passing of his mom and grandma (RIP you beautiful souls). He deserved so much, just like I did but we were not great together. 

Mix immaturity, with insecurities, unhealed trauma, abandonment wounds, fear and so much more and you had us at 19. We loved each other and also projected so much hurt onto the other. 

I’m so grateful for who we were to each other then and how even amongst the chaos we created for each other, we also showed each other glimmers of true love and acceptance. 

I’m grateful for the conversations that took place sixteen years later and I hope it healed a small part of him, the way it did me. 

There have been other endings that haven’t been so pleasant. People that have left my life without a trace and for reasons unknown that left me, for a long time, wondering what happened. I hold no animosity, only gratitude for who they were in my life during that season.  Friends and family who taught me so much in retrospect about friendship, life, myself and ultimately my own shadows and insecurities I needed to face. 

Then there are endings that hurt but you know it’s best for both parties involved. Endings that could have gone differently and yet you recognise that pain and fear are at play and sometimes get the better of us. 

These are the endings you hope don’t remain frayed. The ones you hope will eventually mend as time heals the wounds.  Deep down you know, even if things are never reconciled, you hold nothing but gratitude for each season. Recognising that they were never failures but beautiful lessons in love and life.