I'd Personally Like to Thank Tegan Quin

A Recollection of Dreams. Some were dreams, others I consider night mares induced by reading horrific christian kids books on the end times but let's get into some of them and why I'd like to thank Tegan will become clear.

The young dreamer

Let's start with the reoccurring nightmare I had after reading the kids Left Behind series by Jerry B. Jenkins & Tim LaHaye- two men I think should be responsible for covering some of my therapy costs after the psychological damage these books did.

I never finished the series but made it through at least the first 8 books. For years I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming for my mom because I had the nightmare again- my poor mom and dad, who would get sent in first sometimes and then yelled at because I wanted my mom. It was morning and I was waking up in my bed as usual. The house felt eerily quiet as I crept out of my room. Going to my parents room first, I would always find it empty- there clothes laid neatly on their bed. Onto my sister's room, surely she was still asleep- empty, clothes on her bed. The fear would begin to take over as I would run from room to room searching for my family only to find the house completely empty.

After finding the house empty I stepped outside onto the front porch to see a red sky filled with smoke. Panicking, I began running down the streets only to find cars crashed and empty. The rapture had happened and I had been left behind. Everyone I knew had been taken but me. The reality would start to set in before I would remember I was in a dream and could get out.

Needless to say, I confessed my sins a lot as a kid and made sure I was good with god cause I definitely didn't want that happening. The fear I lived with growing up was crippling but we will talk more about that and religion in another post.

In another reoccurring dream I had growing up, we were on a trip to Kansas visiting family. We always drove from Virginia back to Kansas as my mom suffers from severe motion sickness. On this trip though it was only my mom, my sister and myself- I'm not sure where my dad was.

We are out with my mom for a drive one day. Both my sister and I were in the backseat as we were about 6 and 9. Kansas is very flat but parts of it, like Shawnee where I was born, have some hills. As we are driving on this sunny day, my mom drives up a big hill. Out of the window, to our right, is a big field of sunflowers and out in the field is one of my mom's friends. She stops at the top of the hill, putting the car in park, she says she'll be back in one minute she just wants to say a quick hi to her friend. As she begins to make her way towards her friend in the field, the car starts to roll down the hill with my sister and I still in it. She turns to look at us, recognises what's happening but makes no urgent move to save us. End of dream. We don't see her again.

I'm with my family coming home from our first church in Virginia- Southside Nazarene. We arrive home, Mcdonald's in hand we pile out of the van and begin walking towards the house. As we approach the back deck to go through the backdoor into the house, we see a huge Copperhead snake laying across the path- looking at us. We back up a bit and my dad grabs a shovel from who knows where but he has one. We devise a plan and as my dad somehow distracts the snake we run past and into the house before he decapitates it.

These two dreams make a lot more sense now that I am older and I can see the meaning for me behind them- both personal.

The next dream I will tell you about is why I'd like to thank Tegan Quin. She, unknowingly, saved my life for many years. Not only did she and her sister write music that moved me from the moment I discovered them at 19, their lyrics met me where I was at so many times through the years and upon reflection helped me navigate some pretty tough times while allowing my soul to express it's truth. They also put on one of the best shows I've ever been to- to date. What made it so great? Seeing them play live and their stories in between songs- I was in stitches. Aside from that they were both out & proud and back in 2006 I needed that. I had grown up in such a sheltered, insular christian world- I needed to see other relationships represented. I knew in HS that I was attracted to women (although I didn't fully understand the depths of that and had a lot of conditioning to work though) but barely saw any lesbians in our small town. The one time I did go to a lesbian bar in Richmond, I was turned away- guess I was too femme looking.

When I got married to a man in 2011 (more but not much more on that later) this dream began almost immediately. Every night, as I was drifting off, I began seeing myself in a little farmhouse in the snow.

The snow was thick on the ground outside. The trees bare, the shed with spare wood a decent trudge away- across the field. It was morning and I knew later I would have to bundle up to go split more wood and carry it back for the fire. We were starting to run low again and Tegan wouldn't be back from tour for another two days. It was a quiet but cosy life on the farm and I loved it- keeping our home, writing books. I was working on a new one and would finish before Tegan arrived home. The only challenge in our life was the time spent a part.

A few hours later, after a coffee and some "gardening" - I would make my way across the field to the shed. Headphones on, focused on the task ahead- I began chopping wood. Because the shed blocked the house and drive- I didn't see Tegan arrive home early to surprise me. Headphones still in, music blaring I make my way back to the house with the freshly chopped wood. I kick my boots off at the door before using my bum to open the door and back through the doorway into the sunroom. I set the wood down and get to stripping off the many layers. Finally in my last layers, a jumper and some leggings with thick insulated socks, I carry the wood over and store it in the basket. I stand slowly, sensing a familiar presence and feel her arms wrap around me. She's home. We're home and safe.

The dream was never anything more than that but it brought me so much peace and allowed me to sleep for many, many years of that relationship. While also confronting me with a very hard truth- I wanted to be with a woman.

I stand under an umbrella of trees, a field sprawled before me. The green grass and wildflowers dance in the wind, the sun shone down and the air smelled fresh- like rain. My white nightgown swirled around me and I felt the urge to run. To be free and wild. I could see a white house in the distance, beckoning to me, so I began running towards it- as fast as my feet would carry me. I willed my body to move faster, to get there quicker. The sun was shining on the house, as if a spotlight shown from the heavens guiding me forward. As I drew closer I heard the laugh of children- my children- coming from the yard behind the house. The sun even brighter now, reflected off the front door of the white queenslander. She was there, stepping out of the front door but the sun blocked her face from me. I didn't know who she was but I knew I was home. She was home.

The dream of the woman and the queenslander began in late 2020, early 2021. In July of 2023 I would find her- the beautiful woman blocked by the sun, but I will share our love story in a different post.

There have been so many other dreams over the years but these have been the ones that have stuck with me - drawing me to look at them deeper and find their place & purpose in my life.

I'm curious, what have your dreams been trying to show you lately?